i wrote a note to my unborn child a few days after my abortion. for context, i thought i was 7 weeks pregnant when i had my first ultrasound but i was actually 19 weeks pregnant. i am 19 years old and in college.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
to my unborn daughter,<\/p>\n
let me start out by saying that i have no idea if you were going to be my daughter or my son. it felt almost ridiculous to think of you as a boy. i will never know, but on our last day together, i saw three metallic pink heart balloons floating away in the sky. i think that was a sign.<\/p>\n
you were not an accident. life is not created by accident. i deliberately created you without the intention of creating you. calling you an accident would be disrespectful. i am responsible for my actions, no one else is. you were not an accident.<\/p>\n
however, it was an accident that you became so much of you. i didn\u2019t know you were there. you were hanging out with me all this time and i didn\u2019t even know! you were patient. no, not patient. you were shy. all the times i felt alone\u2026 i wasn\u2019t. thank you for being with me for so long.<\/p>\n
thank you for choosing me.<\/p>\n
i\u2019m not sure where you went. i\u2019ve thought about this a lot. on our last day together, i really broke down. i was so sorry and i was begging for you to come back later. whatever you want to do, i am happy about. i am happy if you come back to me later, i am happy if you come back to your dad later, and i am happy if you are already with another family who wanted you oh so badly. there are so many families who want you.<\/p>\n
not that i didn\u2019t want you. i don\u2019t want you to think that. but there are so many families who need you. so many families who will give you the life that i want you to have but am not ready to give you yet.<\/p>\n
but i promise that if you come back, i will be ready to give you that life. and when i hold you for the first time i won\u2019t know if it\u2019s you, but i will be thinking of you. of course i will be.<\/p>\n
i want to tell you what i thought when i still had you. these are the words i said:<\/p>\n
\u201cit wasn\u2019t supposed to happen like this<\/p>\n
i\u2019m not alone<\/p>\n
you are nothing
\nyou could be everything<\/p>\n
i\u2019m sorry that you cannot live because of some arbitrary structure of life
\nwhen i say it like that it makes me sad<\/p>\n
i hope that it\u2019s you again
\nnext time
\ncome back
\ni\u2019ll be ready for you
\nnext time
\ni promise<\/p>\n
please come back
\ni promise, next time i\u2019ll be ready\u201d<\/p>\n
i didn\u2019t mean to say that you were nothing. when i wrote that, i definitely thought that you were less than you were.<\/p>\n
but i did mean it when i said you could be everything. you could be everything to me, your dad, or your next family. you will be everything. but only you will know to whom you are everything.<\/p>\n
i didn\u2019t talk to you much. i knew it would be too hard. it would make it harder for both of us, actually. you got to know me, but i never got to know you. you never got to know me in context of you. you heard about me, but i never told you about me.<\/p>\n
but this isn\u2019t about me, it\u2019s about you. i don\u2019t know anything about you. i couldn\u2019t look at you. i knew i shouldn\u2019t. i didn\u2019t ask questions about you. learning about you would have been the death of me.<\/p>\n
my decision was not hard because i did not try to connect with you.<\/p>\n
i did not try to connect with you because i knew what my decision had to be.<\/p>\n
my decision was not hard, but the hardest thing i\u2019ve ever done in my whole life was . i don\u2019t know how to phrase that. that sentence is incomplete. i don\u2019t know what to call that. there are so many options but none of them sound right.<\/p>\n
it\u2019s hard to wrap my head around the fact that you could\u2019ve been here. in may. spring is a great season. that\u2019s the season of life. right now it is winter.<\/p>\n
only 5 people in the entire world who really know me, know about you. well, 6, if you include me.<\/p>\n
sometimes i feel things when i\u2019m alone. i\u2019m not sure if i should let myself feel those things or distract myself. it\u2019s always at random times.<\/p>\n
i feel like i\u2019m rambling right now, and you probably don\u2019t care about any of this. you don\u2019t know me. and i didn\u2019t try to know you. why would you care?<\/p>\n
i think it is very selfish of me to tell people about you. if i tell people, it means i want them to understand my perspective and a deeper part of me, or feel sympathy for me. that\u2019s so unfair because i didn\u2019t do those things for you.<\/p>\n
i\u2019m sorry.<\/p>\n
one day i\u2019ll know you. promise me.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
i wrote a note to my unborn child a few days after my abortion. for context, i thought […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_世界杯2022亚洲预选赛b组 ":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[296],"tags":[299],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"\/\/www.k12fl.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/20930"}],"collection":[{"href":"\/\/www.k12fl.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"\/\/www.k12fl.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"\/\/www.k12fl.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/4"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"\/\/www.k12fl.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=20930"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"\/\/www.k12fl.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/20930\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"\/\/www.k12fl.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/世界杯2022亚洲预选赛b组 ?parent=20930"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"\/\/www.k12fl.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=20930"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"\/\/www.k12fl.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=20930"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}