i really had my heart set on december 27th for my abortion.<\/p>\n
december 27th meant i would only have to get through one, maybe two holiday celebrations with
\nthe clandestine knowledge that a body of cells was evolving inside me. i would disclose to my mother, but it\u2019d be much harder to force a smile for the rest of my unsuspecting family, when all i could think about was how the wine in my glass was hurting something that would soon be nonexistent. my biological instincts had kicked in, and i felt the urge to nurture my accidental six-week-old cluster of matter, despite the illogic.<\/p>\n
the date came quickly enough, if i ignored the constant nausea and inner emotional turmoil that kept me glued to the couch all vacation. having avoided a private number that left me multiple voicemails out of fear of facing a prior medical debt, i was informed upon arrival at my appointment that those calls had come from the clinic. they wouldn\u2019t operate without a heart monitor that they didn\u2019t have, so i\u2019d have to reschedule at a local hospital. i cried in the waiting room of the clinic, despite my best attempts to keep it a dry-eyed visit.<\/p>\n
i scheduled my second appointment for december 31st, new year\u2019s eve. i thought this a decent replacement, as i wouldn\u2019t have to scramble to find celebratory plans with friends i no longer felt close to. again, the idea of pretending that i could even begin to think of the coming year 2013 when i had more pressing matters to deal with felt disingenuous. i mentally prepared for my second appointment only to be informed this was another consultation, not a surgical procedure. i cried myself to sleep by 9:30 pm on the last night of 2012.<\/p>\n
my third and final appointment was scheduled for january 3rd and this made me downright furious. yes, i was mad at myself for letting this happen, and i was mad at the other guilty party for letting it happen too, and now i couldn\u2019t even control the date of the procedure. i desperately wanted, needed to leave every inch of this behind. another year, another me. i couldn\u2019t carry this baggage into a new set of 365 days in which i\u2019d already vowed to be better. hell, i\u2019d already given up smoking! okay, sure, it wasn\u2019t really by choice. i had out-smoked myself in the two weeks since learning i was pregnant and couldn\u2019t stand to put another one near my lips. but it was a start, wasn\u2019t it?<\/p>\n
i can only liken it to feeling like i was losing my virginity, not that i gave that much weight the first time around. would everyone know i\u2019d had an abortion just by looking at me? was i now a reluctant new member of the 1-in-3 club of women who donned some kind of modern scarlet a? would it be like all the movies i\u2019d bore sympathetic witness to so many times before, or would it be scarier and more painful? (i can only now understand years later that mother nature was pumping the progesterone overtime, so my irrationality was at an all-time high, fueling my already habitual catastrophic thinking.)<\/p>\n
by the final date, i was more nervous of all of the needles than anything. i had used up all my emotional investment on december 27th and 31st. the iv took at least three tries, per usual, but the nurses kept me talking and distracted. they assured me this would be the hardest part of the day. i didn\u2019t tell them it had already ruined my year, though in terms of the physical aspects of the procedure, they were right.<\/p>\n
before long i was propped up on the table and sedation was on its way into my veins, causing the ceiling above me to grow hazy, and my mouth to start running. my cervix decided to clamp up tight to make up for my mouth, but at that point i couldn\u2019t have cared less about the local anesthetic (i.e. extra needle) i usually would\u2019ve panicked over to remedy this. it was all done in under two minutes and i felt fucking giddy, from the moment i got up from the table and through the minutes i spent puking into the sink when i got home. even the intense cramping i felt for the rest of the night felt like a well-earned battle scar for which i denied all forms of pain killers. i wouldn\u2019t let myself off the hook too easy.<\/p>\n
nowadays there is a lot of pressure as a feminist to feel unrelenting pride in one\u2019s abortion. as a staff member at an abortion clinic, i understand why. we need to combat the stereotypes that abortions ruin women\u2019s lives, that we\u2019re all murderers, and that the termination of a fetus is always accompanied with regret. i don\u2019t feel any regret whatsoever about my abortion. but as feminists, we can\u2019t undermine the gravity of the decision to the point where we\u2019re forcing ourselves and our fellow women to put on a brave face just to meet an ambiguous political standard. as if we\u2019re less committed to the cause if we show emotion or look back on them as anything but objective, medical procedures.<\/p>\n
abortion. is. hard.<\/p>\n
maybe not the decision itself, but the procedure is no walk in the park. a surgical abortion is very invasive and the medical abortion isn\u2019t painless either from what i\u2019ve heard, involving lots of cramping and sitting on a toilet for hours (though to be fair, some women have had an easy time with the pill \u2013 different strokes for different folks). it can be a long process and it sure isn\u2019t cheap if you don\u2019t have top-tier health insurance; in massachusetts, it can cost up to $700 up front. i was lucky enough to have transportation to all of my appointments and to live in a state with little restrictions around abortion, and i don\u2019t take this for granted in the least.<\/p>\n
if one can get past the logistical hurdles, there are a multitude of social consequences to deal with as well. i had supposed \u2018friends\u2019 at the time telling me there was no way i could have a baby. while i knew that our ultimate conclusions were the same, only those who had previously had an abortion understood the emotion weighted in the decision. and still i struggled with the selfishness of the idea. was it more selfish to get the abortion or to live with the consequences, even if i wasn\u2019t financially or mentally ready? both were in their own way, but my gut knew the answer long before that stick showed me a blue line. i would have the abortion.<\/p>\n
i would have the abortion, but i would shed many tears along the way too. it\u2019s not a position anyone wants to be in, and it is okay to feel upset about it before, during, and even years after. i grappled with the idea that maybe with this person i wasn\u2019t sure about, living 2,000 miles from home, maybe it was my time after all. sure, it wasn\u2019t how i envisioned it and it wouldn\u2019t be easy but if i gave up my chance now, would i get another one?<\/p>\n
i\u2019m still not ready for a child, though i\u2019m counting down the years until i am. i can\u2019t remember a time in which i didn\u2019t want to be a mother. yet three years after my abortion, i still fully support my decision because i know it was absolutely the right one, if not the hardest decision i\u2019ve made thus far in my life. and it wasn\u2019t hard because i wasn\u2019t sure. it was hard because it was what i wanted, just not at the right time.<\/p>\n
so every january 3rd i take a moment to revisit my life and my goals and take note of what i\u2019ve accomplished because of my decision. every year i\u2019m more and more grateful than the last. and i\u2019m just as much a feminist, if not more, than i was before.<\/p>\n
(previously published @ graceless.me, ‘baby new year’)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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