i got pregnant a year and a half ago, when i was 22, and you know what, i wanted to have it. i wanted to have it but the \u201cfather\u201d didn\u2019t. he went through something of a four stage reaction. stage one: block my number. stage two: unblock it so he could send me texts threatening to hurt\/kill me if i didn\u2019t terminate. stage three: answer my calls just to say i was the last person he wanted to have a baby with, and stage four: promptly re-block my number. i wish i could have been a strong single mother, but i wasn\u2019t even sure i could keep myself safe. how was i going to protect a baby?<\/p>\n
i couldn\u2019t turn to my family for help. my mother was still married to my father, who had molested me as a child, and who was also a strongly pro-life catholic, go figure. i worked as a stripper (if you\u2019re enjoying rolling your eyes at what a clich\u00e9 i am, just wait, i promise there\u2019s more) and the only other jobs i\u2019d ever been able to get paid less than ten dollars an hour, so i doubted i\u2019d be able to support myself once i could no longer dance. i started researching what help the county could offer me, only to find out the waiting list for section 8 lottery wasn\u2019t even open anymore. i could say something here about the politicians who are so-called pro-choice being the same ones who are anti-welfare, but you know what, i don\u2019t even think i need to.<\/p>\n
long story short, i got the abortion at around 7 weeks. the actual procedure was pretty easy. there were protesters telling me i didn\u2019t have to kill my baby and whatnot, but i\u2019d heard worse. everyone working in the clinic was incredibly skillful and kind. i got the surgical abortion with pain pills but no anesthesia and the physical discomfort was very minor. the morning sickness faded right away, which was beautiful. i went home, ate a sandwich, and went to sleep.<\/p>\n
and slowly, my nightmare began. as my hormones dropped and my catholic upbringing caught up to me, i slipped into a deep, dark, raving depression. i thought i had been through some things, but this hurt worse than being left, being broke, being a teenager having sex for money. i hate to say it, but this hurt even worse than losing a close friend to homicide had. this time, i felt like i was the murderer (note: looking back with a rational mind, i know that having a zygote removed is not the same as shooting an actual person to death. please don\u2019t think it is the same.) i didn\u2019t want to kill myself, but i was afraid that in a moment of impulsiveness, i would. i lived in a high rise apartment, and my bed was about three steps from the balcony. ironically, sleeping pills kept me alive. i took just enough so that unconsciousness would render me unable to jump.<\/p>\n
what i owe my life to, even more than that, are my friends. there are three girls (who have all also had abortions, and are all amazing, strong, beautiful women) and two guys that took the time to talk me through my feelings. god bless them! (yes, i do believe in god.) one of the guys is someone i\u2019d known for several years and always felt a certain attraction towards, but always kept a certain distance from. his kindness during my struggle brought us closer. to be a clich\u00e9 girl who says clich\u00e9 things, i stopped fighting my feelings.<\/p>\n
and then he caught a case.<\/p>\n
i want to clarify two things. the first is that, i hope i haven\u2019t offended anyone with the somewhat sarcastic tone i\u2019ve used to tell my story. i make light of this ordeal because that\u2019s my way of dealing with the darkness. second, i don\u2019t think abortion is supposed to be dark. i don\u2019t think it\u2019s something you\u2019re supposed to be sad about, or bound to be scarred by, or destined to regret. i\u2019ve read that the overwhelming majority of women feel relief after terminating, and the ones who don\u2019t are the ones who- like me- didn\u2019t really want to do it in the first place. i hope no other woman goes through what i went through. i hope all women who get abortions are ones who truly choose to do so, but i\u2019m not na\u00efve. i know there will be others who do it because they have to. i wrote this for anyone who feels like i felt- like they\u2019re a horrible person and nothing they do will ever matter. i wrote this to tell you it gets better.<\/p>\n
i wish i had some grand happy ending to prove it gets better. of course i don\u2019t. of course i\u2019m still a stripper, but at least i\u2019ll be 24 soon and able to get student aid without my parents\u2019 tax information. my man got ten years, but he has an appeal, and for what it\u2019s worth, he has a girl who loves him and has been faithful to him for almost a year now (a.k.a. me, a.k.a. a girl who\u2019s got strangers rolling their eyes right now because of course the clich\u00e9 train wreck girl ends up dating an inmate, to which i say, judge me to your heart\u2019s content.) it scares and devastates me to think about the possibility of him actually doing all that time, and i won\u2019t lie, a selfish part of me is scared and devastated at the possibility that i may never get to have his- or any- kids. and i do still feel sad about the abortion every once in a while. it remains a struggle. but you know what, i haven\u2019t wanted to kill myself even once today, and that\u2019s a start.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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