i wasn’t a teenager. i wasn’t raped. it wasn’t an emergency abortion. i got pregnant at the age of 32. it was my first pregnancy, with the man i love. on paper, it’s ideal, right?

but it was not. i wasn’t ready. i thought i was. i’m fantasizing about babies for years now. i was (and am) with a boy who will be the father of my children one day. i just wasn’t ready. it was too soon in our relationship.

we’ve been through hell for weeks. this unexpected pregnancy almost tore my boyfriend and i apart. i’ve became numb to everyone and everything. disconnected from him. i began to saw him as a stranger. i couldn’t think outside of myself and the abyss of pain and sorrow i was feeling.

eventually, we’ve decided to end this pregnancy. i knew it was the right decision the minute i woke up from the anesthesia. the mental pain almost instantly went away.

today, i’m fine but i cannot help myself thinking about the ’what if’ and imagining the baby it would have been, 9 months later. i have a pinch in the heart when i see pregnant women and babies but i guess it’s only natural.

i know this first seed of life will pave the way to motherhood. and i can’t wait to live it.