i am 33 years old. i am married to a pretty great human who has a graduate degree and a decent job. we have savings and own a home. i am only providing details on how stable my life is because these were the reasons that made me feel like having an abortion was selfish. i do not want a child, now, or probably ever. i am in my second semester of grad school. i found out i was pregnant while i was completely swamped with school and working two jobs. i was devasted! i did not want to make a decision; i just wanted it to go away. i had not been using legitimate birth control because it always comes with terrible side effects. and honestly, it is not worth it to feel like crap all the time if i am only having sex with my husband once every other month (separate issue: i wish it were more frequent, and this is something we are working on). i spent a few days going over my options – making a decision was the most challenging part for me. i decided to have an abortion, but because of the ridiculous restrictions in my state, i didn’t have many options that i could fit into my life. the planned parenthood in town was booked so far out, and they only take abortion appointments on fridays. i wanted to make it work with my schedule, and i did not want to deal with those dehumanizing protestors. i did not see a medical provider before because i did not want anyone to know and deal with them projecting their stuff onto me. i found a non-profit online that partners with pharmacies to mail the abortion pills. i was scared. i had no one to turn to that provided me comfort. everyone feels a certain way about abortions, and i felt judged even when talking to open-minded friends. so i did it alone with my partner there to support me. i only felt mild side effects from the first medication. twenty-four hours after taking that, i took the second medication. it was the worst pain i have ever experienced in my life. i passed out and was so sweaty and cold. after two hours of that miserable pain, things began to get less intense, and i was able to get some real rest. i woke up in the middle of the night drenched in sweat with a very sharp pain in my pelvic area. i got up, went to the bathroom, and there was so much blood. i felt better shortly after and went right back to sleep. it has been three days since i took the second medication, and i have continued to bleed and feel random sharp pain and cramps. the amount of blood is a bit more than a period, but not too bad. the worst part of this whole experience has been feeling so alone and worrying if what i am feeling and experiencing is normal. this is a really hard thing to have to go through. reading the experiences of those who have gone before me has been healing. based on the recommendation of another storyteller, i checked out the book pro by katha pollitt, which really helped. i also had to write a 10-page policy paper on an abortion bill, and i turned it in yesterday. i don’t recommend this technique to everyone, but it helped me process the experience and take up the space that i needed to make the right choice for me. to all of those who feel alone in this time, i understand. we deserve better. i will end with an rbg quote as her spirit was by my side through this process. “the decision whether or not to bear a child is central to a woman’s life, to her well-being and dignity. when government controls that decision for her, she is being treated as less than a fully adult human responsible for her own choices. it is essential to a woman’s equality with man that she be the decisionmaker, that her choice be controlling. if you impose restraints that impede her choice, you are disadvantaging her because of her sex.”