things just aren’t what they are in the movies.

i kept dreaming he would show up at my doorstep with flowers and beg me not to do it.
i was praying he would ask me to be a mother to our baby.
i waited for him to say, “congratulations, i’m so happy. we’re going to be parents.”
instead, i was dumped, thrown out, and asked to take care of this on my own.

i was the one who had to make the appointment.
i was the one who took off work.
i was the one who paid for it. he didn’t throw me a cent.
i was the one who had to go through this.
i cried, i bled, i threw up, and i cried again.
he even had the nerve to say, “this is hard for me as well.”

one day, i will thank myself for doing this.
one day, i’ll know i made the right decision.
one day, i will have my ph.d., which would have been impossible with a baby.
one day, i might even have babies and find a man won’t abandon me when things get tough.

for now, i have gratitude for the logical decision i made, the nurses and doctors who cared for me without judgement, and friends who stood by me. when i think back on my decision, it’s not something i’m proud of and as a young girl, i never thought i would be in this situation. i don’t know when i’ll feel whole again or if i’ll ever be able to forget about my baby whenever i hear an infant cry, see baby clothes in the store, or watch a pregnant woman walk by. i always wanted to be a mother, ever since i was a little girl.

nonetheless, things just aren’t what they are in the movies.