i was someone who desperately wanted an abortion when i was in my early twenties. i borrowed some money and went to little rock. i can’t imagine what i’d feel if i needed one now. the panic and desperation is real. i know it may be something that is wrong, a sin, but i still don’t regret my choice. i guess now colorado is the closest state. i remember not having any money or anyone, not even my mom, who i felt i could go to for a ride or support. i told my brother and my parents later. i spoke to my therapist about it and she assured me that god does forgive me. i went the very next day for the procedure after taking a positive test. i didn’t want to be any further along. there were protesters outside the fence. i had a doctor’s note for work to be on light duty. i never ran out of birth control pills again. i wasn’t in pain afterwards. i didn’t lose my ability to have children later because i had access to safe healthcare. i don’t have all the answers but i’m not going to judge anyone who decides that is what they need. i distinctly remember huckabee was governor and the nurse at the health department told me she’s not supposed to give me information about abortion. i had asked her what if i don’t want to keep it. she gave me a number on a post it note. i also remember she said i was a lot further along than when i had a vaginal ultrasound at the abortion clinic. i had never thought about where someone goes for this procedure and it was only one clinic at that time according to the nurse. i don’t know what we are going to do. i don’t want more kids. my choice is limited now. surely we can vote on this. that’s my huge secret. my husband knows and he knew me then. i’m much more free now of caring about others’ opinions. i know my truth and i know how i carried believing i am a murderer, unforgivable and going to hell. i’m keeping some faith that something will be fixed about this but i’m not sure of our options with congress or states’ rights. it’s truly terrifying and i remember the feeling from 15 years ago.