although i am not “proud” that i have had two abortions, i am extremely happy that they were legal, my decision, and somewhat affordable. my first was an accident…the condom broke. i was 19 and knew i was not ready to be a mother. deciding to do it was easy for me, i’ve always been pro-choice. the surgical procedure (i was about 10 weeks at the time) was fairly horrendous. i will never forget the sound of the vacuum turning on. i kept thinking after, there’s got to be a kinder way of doing this. it’s difficult enough to go through – knowing a piece of you will now be gone forever – does it really have to be this…distasteful? ten years later i found myself basically at the end of a terrible relationship with a man who was a liar, a cheater, and a deadbeat. this time the decision wasn’t so easy – not only did this mean i had to shell out money i didn’t have but there was also the stigma of being caught having more than 1 abortion. ultimately the decision to have it was the best decision of my life – and also one of the most physically and emotionally painful events of my entire life. and here’s why. deciding i didn’t want his child made me realize that, in fact, i didn’t want him. and it wasn’t just that i didn’t want to know him for the rest of my life, or that i didn’t want our child to have to listen to his lies too; it was that i wanted something better for my life than an abusive relationship going nowhere. this time i did the non-surgical procedure and was also about 10 weeks along. i spent one evening in the most brutal pain i ever felt. i would stop throwing up just in time to sit myself down on the toilet for what can only be described as physically draining diarrhea combined with the physical pain of a quite literal induced miscarriage. when i wasn’t throwing up or expelling parts of my unwanted fetus, i was balled up on the couch twisting and writhing in pain, sweating, crying and trying to focus on my breathing. i finally got through it, both the abortion and the relationship. a year later i moved to nyc…and since then i have stuck to my guns about what i want out of life. two years ago i got a free iud at the clinic by union square – because thankfully now – after 30 years on this planet – the country i live in thinks it’s wise to dole out free and cheap birth control to women who want to (wait for it) have control over their life! what an amazing idea! i wouldn’t ever want to have another abortion – but i would. being able to control my destiny is the single most important thing to me – as person and as a woman. i always wanted children – until a few years ago – now i’m not sure if i want any and am more open to the idea of adoption than ever before. i like that i have the same options as my male fiancee. to choose whether or not to bring a child into this world. let me be very, very clear. the reason why i am and have always been pro-choice is because i believe woman are people; however, above all else, i believe that raising a child is one of the most difficult and important responsibilities a human being can take on. for me, that means i need and want to be in control of when and where i do that – if ever. the right to choose what’s best for me, my body, and my life is the most important right a woman is entitled to. without it, we are just baby making factories at the mercy of the men around us – that is no way for a human being to live – at the mercy of someone else.