in 1975 i had been with my boyfriend for 9 months. we had talked about having sex and i had even bought foam and condoms. they were
“hidden” in a drawer by my bed. (why i think my mom didn’t know i’ll never know!) although he was not a virgin he was very clear that we wouldn’t have sex until we both wanted to do so. the night we did was a surprise – no drugs, no alcohol. nothing that i can “blame” on having sex when i hadn’t been planning on it. except in retrospect i was ovulating. clearly my hormones were in more charge than my planning self was. i was a high achieving student at a private girls prep school. i even had a mom who was working in the field of sex education though it was clear from our family’s values that i was too young to have sex. and i think she was right. i can’t say i regret anything that happened. in fact i felt the opposite. i found an inner strength, maturity and confidence that i didn’t know i had. you couldn’t buy a pregnancy test then so i had to look up where to go. i had to figure out how to pay for it, how to get there on the bus and get the results. when they told me a few days later (you had to wait), i had a shock wave but not a sad one. sort of an incredible feeling that i had done something that i needed to take care of as a young adult, not a kid. i made my appointment at crash (center for reproductive and sexual health, isn’t that great??) i was greatly relieved that there were other women. it was clean, bright, even pleasant to be there. i had no worries and found it instead kind of cool to be doing this on my own. the abortion was easy- i was a little out of it and remember someone holding my hand. i went to recovery where i was perky and in fact brought juice and cookies to other patients around the room. though they expected us to stay for 2 hours i think they kicked me out because i was fine and i was trying so hard to help others. i held one woman’s hand who was about 30 -old!- and told her she would be ok. i hope she was. i was.
my abortion changed my life – i realized i took my potential as a parent very seriously. i wanted to be a great mom and that meant being ready – older, educated, financially able, married. it also changed my life in knowing that i was strong and knew how to make a better me and a better world. i think about it every november – who would he or she be? what would i have done.
and though i sometimes feel a little wistful i don’t feel sad or regretful. if that embryo had a chance to come back i hope it was for a great life. it deserved a good mom. but that wasn’t going to be me.

i have ended up being an abortion provider as well. i didn’t know i would until i was 32 – old! i wanted to share my gratitude to those that took care of me in my time of need. and i had kids and i love being a mom.
i’m sad that i need to submit anonymously but i have had to be careful about safety. maybe this will help change that.