i found out i was pregnant again when my son was 7 months old. i was heartbroken. it wasn’t that i didn’t want another child, i hadn’t fully made that decision yet. i did know that i wasn’t ready to have another child right then. my son was very very attached to me, still nursing and still not sleeping through the night. i hadn’t had a full night sleep in about a year. my husband has 2 children from a previous relationship that live with us full time. so the thought of adding another to our family then was overwhelming. i started crunching numbers in my head. there was no way we could afford another one at that point. we’d have to get another car, another car seat, another almost everything. i knew in my heart that it couldn’t happen. my husband and i sat down and had a very long and honest conversation. i told him that i didn’t think it was fair to our current crew to add in another to the mix. how do you explain to a 14 month old (as i was 2 months along) that mommy is going away for a couple days? how do you explain that you are going to stay with grammy, that you aren’t going to get to sleep in mommy’s bed? you can’t rationalize that. yes, we could make the finances work, but it would be very very hard to do. the idea of spending another year and a half after that with a child as attached as my son worried me. what was that going to do to my mental health? he agreed that we probably needed to terminate the pregnancy. hardest. decision. ever. i cried and cried and cried. what was this going to do to my soul? how could i forgive myself for choosing to end a pregnancy and never hold the child that grew within me? the following monday i made the necessary arrangements with planned parenthood. i didn’t feel easy about the whole thing. i put in a call to my midwife and got a little more information, it didn’t change my decision, but she put me in contact with a different place. i called them. i was at once more at ease with the entire process. the woman i talked to was lovely, supportive, funny and down to earth. i made an appointment at the new place, and canceled my appointment at planned parenthood. on the day of the procedure, i was mostly ok with what was going to happen. my husband went with me, the saint that he is. the women were so nice and friendly and understanding. during one of the conversations i’d had with the counselor that day, she explained that even though i was worried about the procedure, that if i had chosen to keep the child, regardless of everything but the “i want to hold it when it is born,” i would’ve made a selfish decision. that helped a lot. the nurse that sat with me during my procedure, was the same woman that i’d talked to on the phone. she was wonderful! she cracked jokes, she made comments, did anything she could to keep my mind off of what was going on. when the emotion took over, she made sure that it was just emotion and not pain, and wiped my tears. as i was sitting in recovery, the sun came out from behind the storm grey clouds, my sign that everything was going to be alright. when it was over, i felt relieved, like a weight had been taken off of my shoulders. it was never a decision that i ever thought i would have to make. i 100% believe that i made the right decision for me, for my son, for our entire family. it wouldn’t have been fair to bring another child into the world right then. maybe someday, when my son is a little older, my husband and i will consider it.

as hard as a decision as this is, trust your instinct, if you think you aren’t ready for any reason, think long and hard, if the conclusion you come to is termination, you aren’t alone. believe in your decision. if you contact one location and you don’t feel comfortable with it, talk to your ob or midwife, see if there is somewhere else in your area that does termination. you might feel more comfortable there.