i was on hormonal birth control. i worked for a large animal veterinarian, administering medication, often working alone during nights and evenings. one summer i began spotting through my birth control, spoke to my doctor about it, and was told it was normal and i shouldn’t worry, so long as i was taking my pills at the same time every day, and i was, so i brushed it off and continued to live my life as usual. in september of that year, i felt “off” and something compelled me to take an at-home pregnancy test. it was positive. i visited a local planned parenthood and had a blood test to confirm.

after further discussion with a doctor, it was discovered that one of the medications i was handling at my job could be absorbed through the skin and interfered with my birth control. i wore gloves while handling it, but because i often worked alone, trying to administer it to unruly large animals, it often ended up coming into contact with more than just my hands.

it was a tough situation. i told my boyfriend, and we both told our mothers. my mother was pressuring me to have an abortion, but i was hesitant. i knew in my heart, this man was the man i would marry, and we had talked about having kids in the future. i thought that we could make it work, no matter how difficult it would be. he volunteered to drop out of school and get a full time job to support us while i was pregnant and finishing my degree. our lives were about to change drastically, and it was terrifying, but we were prepared to handle it.

at 10 weeks i went in for my first prenatal check up and ultrasound. at this appointment i had blood work done, and an ultrasound. my bloodwork was indicative of a miscarriage. my pregnancy hormones were low. the ultrasound revealed a fetus that was undersized for how far along i was. it had a heartbeat, but the heartbeat was slow and erratic. the placenta was separating from the uterine wall. the doctor didn’t know why. he said there was a chance the placenta would reattach and everything would be ok, but that was unlikely. he told me what to expect in a miscarriage, and that that was the most likely outcome. i was supposed to come back at least weekly for check ups. i’d probably miss school. i didn’t like the idea of missing class. it was my senior year and i was taking a lot of difficult courses related to my major. i didn’t want to upset my gpa or my ability to graduate on time, and it terrified me not knowing when or where the miscarriage might happen. i was over 100 miles away from any family, and lived in a shared living space. i didn’t even have my own bathroom. i had no idea how i was going to handle a miscarriage with nowhere to have it in peace and privacy.

it was then that i decided to abort. my boyfriend was supportive. i took a friend with me and we drove 2 hours away to the nearest clinic that would perform one that far along. i did it on a friday, so i had the weekend to recover and wouldn’t need to miss class. i would have had to go out of state for one that could do it with sedation, so i had a d & c while completely awake and fully feeling. it was the most awful, painful experience, and i couldn’t hold still on the table. the abortion doctor couldn’t get everything out. i had a room mate take me to the er the next day, where they did another d & c, this time with sedation.

i regret not going out of state to do it with sedation the first time. i’m disappointed that there weren’t nearby facilities available to do it. it cost me a lot more than it should have, and was a much more painful experience than it needed to be because of that. at the hospital, i was told i have a uterine septum, and that was why i lost this pregnancy. it implanted in the wrong place, so i would have miscarried. even with the expensive, round-about way i had to do it, i’m still glad i got the abortion when i did. i didn’t end up missing any class, and made a full recovery within hours of the second d & c.