at about thirteen i was diagnosed as a type 1 diabetic.
(it has been over fifteen years since that diagnosis and i still have not achieved “good control”)

i started smoking sometime later that year.
at about seventeen i was diagnosed with hypothyroidism.
within two years i would be diagnosed with a number of other health problems.

hormones are not an option, neither are iuds.

since i was a child i have always wanted to raise children.
since my diagnosis as a diabetic, i knew i would eventually adopt rather than have my own children.
pregnancy is difficult for diabetics.
it is risky; it must be well planned; it must be monitored carefully.
with good control, it is possible to have a healthy baby.

knowing all that: diabetes is hereditary.
i cannot live with the idea of putting my child through what i go through on a daily basis.

that is all without considering the effects of hypothyroidism, or my other health problems, on pregnancy.

when i was 23 a condom broke; he hadn’t ejaculated, we thought nothing of it.
it was fourth of july my cycle had ended two weeks before; he hadn’t ejaculated, we thought nothing of it.
we had just started dating, though we remained together another four years.

then my period didn’t start.
i made an appointment at planned parenthood.
i explained to the receptionist the time frame and my health concerns.
i had a trans-vaginal ultrasound, confirming the pregnancy was less than 8 weeks, and took the pills.

i’m nearly thirty now; around christmas time i was ten days late.
i only knew the clinic was there from seeing protesters outside.
i called the clinic to make an appointment for three days later.

twenty minutes after i got off the phone with the receptionist i started bleeding.
i had a miscarriage.

i still cannot find a doctor willing to perform a tubal ligation.
i “will change my mind”, so i keep being told.

choice is important, at all steps.
constantly being told i will one day change my mind about a decision i have firmly believed in, for well over half of my life, is degrading.