honestly, at the time i was very relieved. i no longer felt the pressure of having to figure out my life in such a short period of time. i did not want to co-parent with the father of the child either. i just wanted to move on. 2.5 months later, and now i think about it every single day. it was the biggest mistake of my life. i’m hoping my story can help others who are currently struggling with whether to have an abortion or not.

i had graduated college in may 2016. i was 23 years old. it was the happiest i have ever been in my life. shortly after i started a one year program doing nonprofit work. it didn’t pay much, but i was living at home with my mom so i was still able to save. i met my ex through this program and we entered into a relationship. it lasted only three months but afterwards we still decided to keep talking and having sex. fast forward 4 months later, and he decided he no longer wants to talk to me. the day before mother’s day, we got a hotel room together. we slept together and hugged each other goodbye the next day. a few hours later, he sent me a text message telling me he wanted to end things and he was moving on. he was very cold and heartless. i was hurt only because we could have ended things on a good note but he chose otherwise.

a few weeks go past, and i’m feeling a bit queasy in the morning when i wake up but that’s about it. i thought it might have been because of my sadness over the “breakup”. about 3 weeks later, we have to see each other at the office for four days. we didn’t speak or engage at all. i hated having to see him. the day before the last day of work, i took a pregnancy test. it was positive. i was distraught. if this were a month or two earlier, i would have just called him and discussed everything. but this time was different.

i was an emotional mess. i told all my close friends at work. i could barely stand to be in his sight. everyone there could clearly tell there was something wrong with me. but he never even bothered to ask if i was okay. finally, the next day after our graduation, i mustered up the courage to tell him. he actually didn’t take it as badly as i thought. i thought he would deny the baby and make me feel even worse. after talking to him, i decided i wanted to keep the baby. i mean it just didn’t make any sense for me not to. i was a college graduate and i don’t have any other plans to go to school. i was going through all these relationships looking for love and now i had the love i was searching for. it actually made me happy. i sent him a long email that night telling him how i was not going to kill my baby. he asked if we could just wait until we confirmed the pregnancy for sure to talk about what we were going to do.

monday came around and we went to planned parenthood. we confirmed everything and after sat in the car to talk. during this conversation he made me feel so incompetent. at the time, we were both living with our parents and i had not found a job yet. my plan was to find something then move out in november so i wouldn’t have to deal with my parents judgements. he made my plan sound stupid and i started to second guess myself. he then made sure that i knew that i had to be ok with not being with my child’s father. it frustrated me so much. i didn’t understand why he hated me so much. i had been nothing but a good friend to him and he was treating me like shit. i went home that day sad.

i sent him an emotional text message the next day, saying how i hated him for putting me in the situation that i was in. he knew before we had sex that he wanted to end our situation. but he decided to sleep with me anyways and now i was finding myself having to make the hardest choice of my life. he came by to talk to me, and made me feel worse. he looked me in my face and told me that he was not sorry for how he treated me and that i had to get over it. he said that i needed to hurry and make a decision. i told him it was not that black and white and he insisted it was. he was tired of me going back and forth. all i wanted was his support but he made me feel so alone. when he left, i started to cry and call abortion clinics. i made an appointment for two weeks from then. he text me the next day asking if i made the appointment and seemed upset that it was so far away.

for the next week, i was completely miserable! i went to cincinnati to visit my friend and did not enjoy myself one bit. every time my phone vibrated i was hoping it was my ex checking on me or saying he wanted to keep the baby. when i got home that’s when the real nausea started. i was light headed and queasy all the time. luckily, i had secured a job. it wasn’t the job i wanted, but it was a job nonetheless. i wouldn’t start for another week. a few days go by and i’m very depressed. i literally had to text my ex and ask him to check in on me. he actually did start messaging me asking if i was okay every few days. it did make me feel better. one day, he was being extra friendly because he wanted to have sex. he apologized for how he treated me and hooked me in. i decided to go see him that night. i pondered whether i should ask him if he was sure about the abortion. i didn’t. i wish i did.

that next monday i had my first appointment to at the abortion clinic. they did an ultrasound of the baby and asked if i would want a picture. i said yes and asked if it had a heartbeat. it did. i started at that picture begging god to give me a sign of what i should do. i was not ready for a child but maybe that baby could have brought joy to my life. i cried and cried. i wanted the baby but i didn’t believe in myself at all. to make matters worse, my twin sister is pregnant as well and our babies would have been 3.5 months apart. i’ll get into that later.

it seemed like all my friends had something to say. but no one really tried to convince me to have it. they just said they would be there for me through whatever i decided. the one person who really got through to me was a guy who had been trying to date me for years. he had a daughter, and was telling me how hard it was to be a parent and how he wish he would have waited. he convinced me that i could have another baby when the time was right. he was the one who really got through to me. that’s when i decided for sure, that i was going to go through with it. i convinced myself that i had made peace with the decision. i was okay. i went to get the procedure a few days later and i felt great.

there was no more nausea. i could think clearly and did not have to eat every second to avoid gagging. it was the best i felt in a long time. i thought the storm was over. i put everything from that experience into a box. i started dating someone new, and life seemed to look up. however, my ex was having a hard time. he was reaching out to me trying to get me back. said he regretted the abortion and wanted to give a relationship another shot. i laughed at him. it took me and my new fling not working out and my dream job falling through for me to realize i made a terrible mistake. the baby had gave me a sense of purpose in life and i destroyed it. i found comfort in my ex as he felt the same.

maybe if the new guy worked out and if i had gotten that job, i wouldn’t regret my decision. but things didn’t happen that way. being back with my ex opened up all those emotions i tried to suppress. i started to think about my growing belly and how even though i hated my job, i could have stayed there to make money for my baby. it was paying well and a few more months there wouldn’t have hurt.

i regret my decision. i could have lived with the hard life of having a baby but not with the what if’s that come with an abortion. i think about the baby every single day. my sister just had her baby shower and everyone was so excited. it hurts to think i robbed the family of another member. i still cannot believe i went through with it. it’s like i’m living in a nightmare. i wish with all my heart i could turn back the hands of time and not go through with it. all the reasons seems so stupid now. all i can do now is hope and pray that i can get through this. i owe it to my unborn child to be the best person i can be. i pray god blesses me with a man that would be happy to have a baby with me. i never want to feel that hopeless ever again.

life is cruel. i had gotten pregnant at the very worst time possible. if it had been maybe a month or two before i probably would have kept my child. this is a decision i will forever have to live with. some days i just go on for my nephew. if you are pregnant now, keep your baby. the regret is not worth it. it will affect you. you and your baby will be just fine. it might be scary now but you can do it. believe in yourself.