i wanted this baby. i’d prayed and hoped and dreamed of him. i already have two children – beautiful, funny, crazy children who make me insane and happyand insanely happy all at the same time. i wanted this baby 4 years ago, when the kids were younger and my husband and i were younger and we had the strength and energy and resources for a baby. now, though, we’re tired and too overtaxed by work and aging parents and the stress of parenting pre-teens. so we made the only choice that made sense when that little stick showed a plus sign. we went together – lucky to have a planned parenthood clinic in the same town where we live. we cried during the ultrasound that showed the pregnancy at 39 days. we cried with relief that a medication abortion (the “pill”) was an option and we cried in horror a the confirmation that it was actually happening. it’s been nearly a week since the original test put us on this awful road and sometimes i think the grief will bury us – even though we know it was the only choice we had. i’m infinitely grateful for the staff who guided us through the process with grace and love. the doctor who cried with me as i swallowed the first pill, the nurse who held my hand while i cried through the “counseling,” and the receptionist who smiled in the most reassuring way as i cried all over her forms. i hate that this was the decision we had to make but the little ecosystem that is my family wouldn’t have survived otherwise.