tomorrow i will be going to my appointment for an abortion. i am 8.5 weeks. i am terrified.

the amount of emotions i feel is indescribable. i have been on birth control since i was roughly 17 due to having a severe case of poly-cystic ovarian syndrome. i won’t say i have always been perfect with the timing of the day taking my birth control however i always took it. when i went in to the ob-gyn to verify the 6 positive pregnancy tests that i took the lady made a point to tell me that this baby was meant to be because i got pregnant on birth control along with having pcos. it felt like i had been stabbed in the heart.

i am 25. i just started going back to school to pursue my bachelor’s degree. i don’t have a career yet or the means to support myself let alone a child. i know these things and yet the thought of an abortion makes my skin crawl. i never had to decide if i was pro choice or pro life or anything since i never was put in that position…and as far as other women having abortions, i just never thought twice because it was not my business.

tomorrow i go to take the first round pill for the abortion, it is also my boyfriend’s (the fathers) birthday. way to spend a birthday, huh? he completely supports whatever i choose however he also chooses abortion. he is right, this isn’t the time to have a baby. i couldn’t finish school if we did. every single plan that we have, independently and together changes. i know that he is right and i know that i am not ready…yet, i feel so terrified when i think about the abortion. i completely understand that i wouldn’t have to quit school and he wouldn’t have to forget about his dreams because a baby came but things would change drastically and timelines would be altered.

i feel so selfish. thinking this way, the logical way, i know its the right choice…but if i know that it is the right choice then why do i feel so horrible?