i was nervous the night before. more nervous than i had ever been. but even my nerves couldn’t overcome the deep fatigue that overcame me. i was told to be there at 9am.

when we arrived, there were a few people waiting outside the office since it hadn’t opened yet. when it did open, the waiting room filled up quickly. i remember wondering if everyone in the room was there for the same thing i was. when it was my turn to check-in, i was told that because the provider was not in my insurance’s network, i would have to wait a few days for the referral to process before i could get the procedure, otherwise, i’d have to pay out-of-pocket. my eyes swelled. i didn’t want to be there. if it was going to happen, it had to happen today. i left the waiting room and went to the hallway.

i could barely see the screen of my phone as a dialed my sister. my eyes were blurry from tears. my mom called. i didn’t want to tell my parents. i was too ashamed. i felt like i was always making mistakes and being too impulsive. this was just another thing that would disappoint them. not to say my parents are disappointed in me. they don’t act like they are or treat me like they are. i just feel my worst when i upset them, and i feel like i do that a lot.

my mom sent her credit card information for me to use. i calmed down, dried my eyes, and went back into the waiting room to finish checking-in.
they called me in and asked me a few questions. “is this what you want?” no. i said “yes.” they gave me a muscle relaxant to keep my nerves down and reduce the pain, then sent me back to the waiting room.
they called me in again. i sat on the table and laid down. the gel was cold. “six weeks and a day,” she said. i wanted so badly to see the image, but i didn’t ask. back to the waiting room.

they called my name. this was it. i wanted to leave and never look back. i didn’t. i laid down on the table and put my feet in the stirrups. i felt a pinch in my arm and began counting. i don’t remember what number i got to but i was woozy, but it didn’t take my mind off the cramping. i could barely move, but that didn’t stop me from jerking. “almost done, just one more.” it was like a parasite had invaded my body, and with that last suck, it was gone. i felt refreshed. i felt relieved. i hate those feelings the most.