i always thought i’d know what i would do if i ever got pregnant at a young age which would be just to simply have an abortion. a simple procedure then problem solved. what i didn’t realize was how i would actually feel when i was confronted with being pregnant. being a 22-year-old uni student, living with friends, drinking and partying. i first suspected i was pregnant one night at work when i realized the whole week i had no energy, was napping after uni, eating like crazy and my boobs were sore. i couldn’t remember the last time i had my period, this is when i went and purchased a pregnancy kit from the supermarket. two positive test later i thought it must be a mistake, surely i couldn’t be.

the next day after work i went to the doctors and had a blood test. i couldn’t get the results until after the weekend due to work and social commitments therefore i had to wait. i thought about what i would do if it came back positive but by that stage i was pretty certain that i was.

the father wasn’t my boyfriend and we had only known each other a few weeks before having a one night stand. i didn’t know what he would say so i thought it would be best not to involve him. i spoke to a few friends who had to make the same decision, they told me that i needed to be selfish and not have the baby. i felt i couldn’t go to my family as my dad would be so disappointed and my mum and sister would have wanted me to keep it.

one day after receiving confirmation from the doctor i found a clinic that did day surgery abortions and made an appointment for the end of the week. all i wanted was for it to be over. at this stage i had decided i would tell the guy who’s baby it would have been. when i went to call him i just couldn’t do it. i didn’t know what he’d say, how he’d react and mostly i didn’t want to be a burden on his life.

it was the longest, hardest week of my life. i felt so alone and i still do. after i had the abortion i felt so relieved like a massive weight had been lifted off my shoulders. i went and spent the weekend with my family, not thinking about it again until four days later. that’s when it started to sink in what i had done.

i feel like i took the easy way out and let other people influence a decision that was mine to make. the whole time all i wanted was someone to pull me aside and ask me if i really wanted to go through with it. i needed more time; no one should make sure a serious decision in a week.

i hate the stigma that surrounds abortion. i feel dirty and guilty consumes me everything i say the word. it makes me feel like a horrible person who made a decision based off what other people would have thought.

two months later i feel little relief. i am a happy person and anyone who knows me would have no clue the pain i’m going through dealing with this. i am constantly reminded of what i could have had. often i think of my baby, i picture that it would have been a boy. trying to forget about what happened but i’m still so sad. i wish i could go back and change my decision but i can’t and i don’t know how to live with that.