i never thought i would be 1 in 3. i never thought i would be married with children. i never thought i would own a house, make important decisions, be loved the way i am loved. i never thought i would be searching for a website to help me cope with a decision i made at 34 years old. the first time i got pregnant, my boyfriend and i just got back together after a rather huge fight that ended with me kicking him out and he running into the arms of another woman.

after we worked out our difference (and i gave the girl a few choice words) we were together and stronger than ever. we were discussing moving in together with his two children and eventually, one day, getting married and starting our own family.

the process was sped up when i found out i was pregnant. we did everything we said we would, and more. within 12 months, we rented a house, i gave birth to a sweet little girl and then we bought a house shortly (one week) after she was born. we did start our life together. things were rough because we did not take our time and we did not have the traditional honeymoon (a one day vacation with his two kids and me 6.5 months pregnant camping in pa). but, i would not change it. my backyard wedding was exactly what i imagined and i was happy. we were happy.

four months later i found out i was pregnant again. our little house we bought for the snugness was not nearly big enough for the 5 of us, let alone another baby. i was not ready for another baby. just a few days prior my husband joked how if i got pregnant again how out of shape i would be (i lost my baby weight fairly quickly, and though i was not as toned as i was previously, i still fit in my size 2 jeans). my husband and i were having our problems, nothing major, but enough that this news could tip the scales negatively real quick. his job was really stressful and his ex wife was making our lives miserable with the kids. i was afraid of what would happen if i told him i was pregnant. i love my baby so much, even though she was just as unexpected, i would not change it for the world. and knowing how much i loved her and how we got through our “mistake” it broke my heart that i did not even hesitate to make the appointment. my emotional state could not handle another pregnancy. my physical state could not either. i work full time and i was tired all the time. easily snapped off at my step children and quickly angered by my husband. adoption was a possibility but my husband would never allow it. i just made the appointment and blindly went in. i was so detached from it all that i don’t think it even hit me yet. only 4 days after the procedure and emotions come and go so quickly i don’t even know if it is the procedure that i am sad about or just sad in general. i sometimes think about what could have been. what he would have been had i let him live. no one knows but me and the handful of nurses at the clinic. i lied and told everyone i was having tests done for anemia. they all believed me without hesitation. i have never lied before. such a big lie too. i can not say i regret the decision because where i am in life, even though i am 34 and probably will not have any more children due to age, i could not have another with my baby so young. she was my miracle child. i never thought i would have a child due to how i lived my life. i know i always wanted one but never could see it happening. now that i have her i have and will continue putting forth every effort to make her life the best i can possibly make it. as selfish and horrible as this will sound, another baby would not have made that possible. i am sad. i have had nightmares every night since. i look at my stomach and stare…wondering what could have been. but i know what i did was the best choice at the time and i can not live like that, it will not be good for anyone. i will move forward, it will take time and i know i will have moments. but i will move forward. i am glad for the choice. as we do have a choice. most women would chose to allow for life. some, for various reasons, will chose the other option. but at the end of the day, the choice is there. and the only one who should have to live with it is the woman who made the choice. it is no one elses business. just as if they chose to drink alcohol or take drugs. it is their body, their mind, their choice.

i will always love my babies. both the one i will raise and the one i gave up. i will love them and i will live my life in that way.

i needed to share my story to help with my coping. i know i am a strong woman and as painful of a decision it was and how painful it is now, i know i will make it through. the light at the end of the tunnel is the time i have created for my family. and i will try everything in my power to not let anything get in the way of that…even my own sadness. i made a decision in order to make a better life for them and i will do just that.