i was nineteen years old when i found out i was pregnant. my boyfriend and i had been in a relationship for a little over a year. i was working hard in school, just about half way through my degree program. my boyfriend at the time was a gas attendant, working part time and still trying to figure out his life. we were both in such a vulnerable place in our lives. around the time i started showing symptoms of pregnancy i came down with a sinus infection. i chalked up the fatigue and nausea to just that, but then the sinus infection subsided and the fatigue and nausea didn’t. as the days went on i only felt sicker. they even thought maybe i had mono. but of course, the mono test came back negative. little did i know it was because i was pregnant, not sick. the thought of being pregnant came into my mind after i spent the whole night up feeling sick. i knew my period was late but i guess a part of myself didn’t want to believe it. i remember looking in the mirror and noticing how engorged my breasts and nipples were. this is when i finally realized i was pregnant, there was no denying it anymore. i took three different tests, and they all came back positive. i remember looking down at those two pink lines in pure shock and panic. how did this happen? what am i going to do now?
i contemplated with myself for a week. abortion wasn’t a choice i made lightly. there were so many thoughts running through my mind. but in the end, abortion was the choice for me. i decided to have a surgical abortion. i wanted it to be over as soon as i left the facility. i wanted professionals around me while this happened. i didn’t want to go home and be alone while this process happened. so i made an appointment.
july 20th, 2015. my life changed forever that day. i remember my boyfriend waking me up, tears rolling down his face. i know in his heart he wanted this baby so bad. but he stood by me through my decision and held my hand the entire time. he was my rock through this all. we cried together before we left. i arrived and filled out the paperwork. it took about two hours for them to get to me, there were two girls ahead of me. there were so many times i contemplated running out of there. i just wanted to run away, but i stayed. i had to. the staff was incredibly kind. from the receptionist, to the nurse and the doctor. they were all amazing, really. i was thankful for that. i remember seeing that little baby on the ultrasound screen. i think that was the hardest part. i think i understand now why some facilities don’t like you to see the screen. the procedure wasn’t painful for me. at the most i felt some cramping. but overall, the pain was maybe a 3, physically. i was in and out in about an hour.
emotionally, the pain was an 11. for the next several weeks i was a mess. i cried more than i breathed. i cried myself to sleep countless times. i felt alone, i didn’t have anyone i could truly talk to about everything. of course i had my boyfriend, but i don’t think he could truly grasp what exactly i was feeling. this experience by far was the hardest thing i ever had to go through. but if there’s one thing that i can tell you is that i do not for one second regret the decision i made. i stand by my decision every day. it was not an easy one, but it was the right one for me. i know that my life would be very different if i had chose to have a baby. there’s not a day that goes by that i don’t think of that child, and everything that could have been. it’s hard to see other girls my age announce that they are pregnant. it’s hard to see someone have everything you really wanted but that you had to give up. i wish that at that time that i was at a more comfortable place in my life, that i could have done it. but i made this decision for myself, my boyfriend and my baby. and i stand by that decision.
this year i will be graduating, and my boyfriend now has a full time job. i love seeing us grow together and strive towards our goals of one day being able to have the house and the family we always dreamed of. one day it will be the right time for us, and i cant wait for that day.