it was a few weeks after my birthday, three years ago, that i found out i was pregnant. i was on the pill, and was strict about taking my pill each day, but that didn’t prevent the pregnancy. i had just begun seeing someone the day before i realized i was pregnant, and i knew that the man that fathered this child was my verbally abusive, manipulative ex boyfriend. i wasn’t sure this new relationship would last, but what i was sure of is the amount that i had drank on my birthday, and how terrified i was to lose this new relationship. i was terrified to tell anyone that i was pregnant. i knew without a doubt that i was pregnant even before i took a home pregnancy test, but i couldn’t bring myself to look at it. i asked my sister to come over and read the test to me. i never had a moment of hesitation in the decision to have an abortion. i was in no place financially or emotionally to be responsible for another person, and i knew in my heart that if i were to follow through with the pregnancy, the child would have fetal alcohol syndrome. i knew i would never be able to deal with the guilt, and i knew that i would never be able to get away from the manipulation and self-loathing that resulted from being around my ex boyfriend. from the first moment i realized i was pregnant, i viewed the pregnancy as a punishment. i would never be able to support or care for the child i had ruined as a result of my poor choices. i considered telling my new boyfriend but i was afraid he would tuck his tail between his legs and run away, so i went to the doctor, amidst stares and whispers from the nursing staff, and asked for the name and contact information of a clinic that would be safe to go to. i lived in a small town then, and everyone knew everyone’s business. i was out of my mind with fear that all those closest to me would find out and judge me. i drove the hour and a half to the nearest clinic with my mother and sister, neither of which supported my decision, but wanted to see me safe. i had to go through counseling and they made me watch the ultrasound before they sat me in the waiting room to wait my turn.

now, three years later, i feel guilt and shame – not because i chose to terminate the pregnancy, but because i still haven’t told my boyfriend. i’ve never once regretted my choice to end the pregnancy and walk away from the life that almost sucked me in. i now have a wonderful life with the new boyfriend from the beginning of the story, and we’re planning on starting a family after we get married. there’s not a day that goes by that i don’t think about the day i made the decision, but i’ve never once regretted the decision either.