i wrote the date on the whiteboard in preparation for my high school english class. that’s when i realized i had missed my period and not noticed.

i knew im世界杯2022亚洲预选赛b组 tely i was pregnant. i’d never missed a period before. i’d been on and off in a relationship with a man-child who was mentally ill. my self esteem was at an all-time low and i was lonely. i bought a home pregnancy test after work and confirmed the pregnancy. i told the man-child and he had a predictably immature and selfish reaction. i hung up on him and dealt with it on my own. i went to my regular gynecologist who performs nonsurgical abortions. the pregnancy was so early he was surprised i’d tested positive already. it was a black dot on the ultrasound. he put medication in my cervix and gave me an injection. i took pain killers in preparation for the induced miscarriage. i remember watching a monica-chandler episode of “friends.” the cramping was terrible. it was unbearable for a few hours, then just sore for a while after. like a bad period. i went with my mom, who was cool and understanding about it. i didn’t tell very many people. it kind of sucks that we can’t talk about our abortions. we’ll be judged. certain friendships might even end. my job as a public school teacher would be in jeopardy if i were honest about it. i’ve never had any particular feelings about it. i’m not sad or ashamed. i wish i’d been more careful and not gotten pregnant. it was pretty absurd. my then boyfriend and i didn’t even have sex. we started to, but didn’t finish because he was so messed up in the head and we ended up getting in a fight mid-sex. i can’t believe that i got pregnant from that encounter, but timing-wise, it’s absolutely certain i did.

i got pregnant again 3 years later at the end of a relationship. he dumped me and i went off the pill gradually and without thinking because i wasn’t regularly having sex so it was easy to forget to take it. three weeks later, we happened to have an unanticipated “one last time” bang, and i didn’t think about birth control. he was used to me being on the pill, so he didn’t think to wear a condom. mostly i felt stupid, pregnant at 30. i thought i should be old enough to know better. i did the nonsurgical abortion with the same doctor. i made sure to take a double dose of pain killers this time beforehand, knowing from my first abortion that 10 mg didn’t even put a dent in the pain. i never told the ex-boyfriend/impregnator. he would have supported the decision, but i was still hurt and angry over being dumped and didn’t need the emotional rollercoaster of going through an abortion with him. i still see him sometimes. we both have children now. i’m glad we don’t have one together. i have no regrets, guilt, or depression over my abortions. a little embarrassment about failing to use birth control, but being careless shouldn’t be a reason to become a mother.

i’ve never thought of abortion as a birth control method. i had multiple partners in the 20 years i was sexually active before i got married and had sex hundreds of times and only got accidentally pregnant twice. i used birth control regularly, usually condoms. never had one break. i’m well-educated and middle class. i think that people have a lot of misinformation about abortion. i wish i could talk openly about it with the teenagers i teach. i feel like by telling the stories of my sex life and abortions i could prevent teenagers from getting pregnant. but i’d like to keep my job, so i keep my mouth closed. i’m so glad i had the option of abortion and that my health insurance through my job covered it 100%. my life would have been devastated and destroyed if i’d been a mother with a bipolar man-boy. and the argument that i “shouldn’t have sex if i don’t want to get pregnant” is annoyingly puritanical. i believe women and men should be free to enjoy sex with as many or as few people as they choose.