in feburary of this year (2015) i found out i was pregnant. i went to my obgyn to have an ultrasound for my ovarian cyst and instead came out with an ultrasound picture of a child in my womb. the moment i found out i was pregnant i instantly started hysterically crying. i was devastated. i knew i couldn’t have the baby even though in my heart i wanted to so badly.

i texted my boyfriend of two years and told him that i needed to talk to him right away. he told me he already knew what i was going to tell him. he already had a suspicion that i was pregnant. he met me at the doctors office and came into the room where my doctor was talking to me. my doctor told me that i was 8 weeks and that if i was going to have an abortion i needed to do it right away. when he said right away i didn’t know he meant the next day but that’s exactly what he meant. my boyfriend fully supported anything i wanted to do and told me he would be there for anything that i chose. so the same day i found out i was pregnant, i scheduled my abortion, not even an hour after hearing the news. i went home and told my mother i was pregnant and though she asked me what i wanted to do, i knew that she wasn’t going to want me to have the baby, so i didn’t even express those feelings to her. i told her i knew i wasn’t ready financially nor mentally and i was going to have an abortion. she told me that she would go with me and that i could get through the struggles that would come with my decision. the night before my abortion was sleepless and full of tears and emotions that cannot be expressed. i was absolutely terrified of what the morning had in store. when i awoke the next morning to get dressed, i could barely pull myself out of the bed. my body was plagued with the type of sadness that physically wears on you. i just kept thinking of how i did not want to go through with the abortion but i knew how much of a disappointment it would be to everyone if i got pregnant and wasn’t able to do all the things everyone wanted me to do and that was pressure enough mixed with the financial place my boyfriend and i were in. i cried the whole morning. i cried in the car on our way to the office. there were not enough tears to cry to make me feel better. we finally got there and i was taken to a room where i had to undress from the waist down. as i was laying there on the table my mind was full of regret with rushing to make my decision and not give my child’s life more thought. i felt selfish and disgusted with myself. i just held and rubbed my stomach and kept saying sorry. i ended up being in the room for four hours after my procedure was supposed to be done because i just couldn’t do it. everytime the doctor came in, i cried and said i just needed more time. after realizing that more time was only going to make everything more difficult i finally let him come in and start the procedure. it was one of the most traumatic experiences i have ever been through in my life. the moment the drugs were shot into my veins i was limp. i could not even move my legs up when they asked me to. i cried so loudly and just kept saying no as to stop the procedure but my cervix were already dilated and he began the suction. after the procedure was done i almost instantly dozed out of consciousness. after i woke up around an hour later, i had to be wheeled out because i threw up everywhere in the room and nearly passed out after standing up. when i got home, my boyfriend came over to be with me and comfort me. days after my abortion i found myself depressed and crying everyday, feeling regretful about what i did. as the months have passed the crying has stopped less and less. the depression isn’t there quite as much. the hurt in my heart hasn’t lessened but time has healed some of the hurt. i know that i made the right decision for me and my future. i don’t feel nearly as much regret now as i did when i had the abortion. if you’ve had an abortion you know that some feelings linger and every now and then you hurt for the child you don’t have, but you also know that you had a reason for the decision you made and it was what you felt was right for you.