i am about to turn 29 in about a month. this is my 3rd pregnancy, but no children.

i had been in a relationship with my on-again, off-again boyfriend when i got pregnant about 4 years ago. i found out i was pregnant after i had severe cramps.

i ended up going to the emergency room where they told me i’d had an ectopic pregnancy. i was devastated and this was probably one of the lowest points i’ve had in life. two years later, he 2nd time was a normal pregnancy, but my “boyfriend” said things like “what are you telling me for?” and “is it even mine?”. that was a really difficult time as i found myself crying throughout each day, even at work. i felt so alone with no support. i couldn’t believe he was treating me like this. he would play games with me, sometimes saying he wondered what the baby would be like or rub my belly, other times he wouldn’t even pick up the phone for me. i ended up getting an abortion at 8-9 weeks. i spent months recovering from the trauma of having to get an abortion. i even had dreams about the baby i lost. afterward, i told him that i never wanted to see him again in life and we stopped talking. i was doing well with school and work, but somehow, he creeped back into my life a year later. we started gradually texting, then meeting, then having sex again. we would talk about not making the same mistakes as before, with the other pregnancy. i just found out yesterday that i’m pregnant..again..by the same man that treated me so badly before. i told him about it and he said that he wouldn’t run away this time (he told me that while his new girlfriend was a few yards away). still, that’s not enough. i’d like to have emotional and financial support with this child. yet, i despise him so much that i want nothing to do with him, maybe not even the baby. i hate to think of him being in my life for a minimum of 18 yrs. i continue to beat myself up because i’ve made the same mistake three times by someone who doesn’t love or care for me. i’m still very early on in the pregnancy, but i am already leaning toward having an abortion..and i don’t think i’ll have any regrets about it this time.