i was a young woman (20), with my first boyfriend, and my life was young adult chaos. i was in university, was struggling to pay my bills, and making poor decisions left, right, and center.
when the doctor at the clinic at my school told me i was pregnant (i was already pretty sure), i told her i wanted to terminate the pregnancy, and she was very supportive. i hadn’t even really considered having the baby. i knew that abortion was the right choice for me at that point in my life.

my best friend got me through the whole thing. he and i stayed up late many nights leading up to the abortion and talked about the whole thing like it was happening to someone else. he and i are still best friends. the boyfriend? he’s long gone, after a breakup that totally crushed my soul. the boyfriend was supportive at the time, and went with me to have the abortion, but that night i went home alone and spent the night cuddling in bed with my best friend.

i don’t think i’ll ever know if i made the right choice. it’s impossible to look into the future. what i do know is that now, in my life, i’ve never been happier. after what felt like an eternity of wandering aimlessly (from the time i was about 18 until i was 25), i have finally found my passion and purpose in life and am studying to be a nurse.

and i have become closer with god. the abortion and the breakup were a catalyst for me to analyze my life and my soul. i know that god loves me. i know, in my heart, that god does not judge me because i had an abortion. and, over time, i’ve become less and less afraid of what others would think about me if they knew. my life and my choices are a matter between me and my god. no one else has any right to judge.

before the abortion, i wrote a poem to the baby. i still have it tucked away. a couple of years after the abortion, i got a tattoo on my ribcage, near the apical aspect of my heart, where the beat is loudest. it’s the letter “j”. i had called the baby “baby j”. i won’t ever know for sure, and i won’t ever forget. but this is my body, my journey, my soul, and i have done the best i can. i am proud of myself for that.