it’s time.

i was 24 and my sister had just given birth to her beautiful daughter. i had been having sex with a guy, he said his name was blue, and i believe that probably the day that jenny gave birth i conceived with him.

of course i didn’t know this at the time, but a few weeks later i did know something was up. i felt, intuitively, that i could be pregnant. i remember the night that i (presumably) conceived asking blue whether he liked me or liked having sex with me. he replied that he liked having sex with me. that was fine, if a tad disappointing. knowing that this would be his baby, though, made my decision a lot easier. i knew a lady at work whom i trusted, and told my suspicions to, who was there to hold me when i confirmed through a drug-store test that i was with “two-lines.” she didn’t bat an eye when i said i couldn’t go through with it, and helped me find the planned parenthood in fayetteville. i was reassured and helped there without judgement also, for which i am eternally grateful. the doctor said that i was very early into the pregnancy, i think he said between 4-6 weeks or so. the receptionist told me that in order to come back and get the medication needed to abort, i would need $500. needless to say, i didn’t have that kind of money saved. i reached out to my mother. she helped me get the money i needed. she drove me back to get the medication. i was given clear instructions. another person, my long-time friend/boyfriend, was also there for me and i stayed at his place while the medication took effect. i had a large hemorrhage, and then it was over. i remember curling up on the bed after and sleeping.

there is my abortion story.

i have not often tried to remember the specifics of this time in my life so pardon me if the details are fuzzy. according to my brother (and maybe to many others who will read this) i am a murderer. well fine, condemn me. condemn me, condemn me, condemn me. i am hurt but not broken. i am not simply a vessel for an unborn child. i am a woman. i make choices. hard choices. i have been anatomically blessed with the ability to bear children, and with great power comes great responsibility. i made my responsible choice.

this is part of who i am, for better or worse, and i will not apologize or make excuses or be ashamed. this is not easy for me to publicize, but these recent legislative attacks on a woman’s right to choose, along with the ridiculously simplistic manner in which this complex issue is being treated, have forced my hand i feel.

i am so grateful for the people who helped me through this – thank you from the bottom of my heart.