i had an abortion today, and it’s the last thing i ever thought i would do. i have two sons who are soon turning 5 and 2, and i co-own and operate a business in the health care industry.

i track my cycle. i know the day of my last period and my ovulation signs. my husband and i usually use condoms, but we didn’t on day 30 of my cycle, and that happened to be one cycle when i ovulated very, very late.

before, i thought i wanted a third child, but i envisioned myself as a different mother than who i have discovered myself to be. as the pregnancy progressed from week 4 to 5, 8 to 9, i came to realize that a third child would have thrown off much of our family balance: i would have to stay at home more, sacrifice many of my working hours, shift much of my business responsibilities to my partners. as a result, we would be living with much narrower financial margins, and we are already living on a tight budget with no local family support. i personally would have struggled to keep centered as a care-giver: to the many people in my practice who are ill; for my husband and children; and for myself. when i started to spot and bleed at 10 weeks into the pregnancy, and have back pains and cramps, it really hit home.

not now. i spent the last trimester of my second pregnancy nearly incapacitated with nausea and vertigo, and it took a huge toll. i need my body to be at its best working capacity because there is so much to do already. i want my body to be healthy, to be available to provide care for myself and others. i want the time and presence of mind to enjoy the absolutely wonderful sons that i am so honored to mother.

it has been a lonely two months, and a roller coaster of self-doubt and confidence. when i finally scheduled an abortion, i landed in a more stable place than i had been in the whole pregnancy. a solid grounding in knowing myself, my own limits, and my love for my family.

the procedure itself feels traumatic right now. but i feel that i made the right choice, and i feel really really lucky to live in a time and place where this can be done so respectfully and safely.