i was 22 when i was faced with making the hardest and most difficult decision of my life. it all started after my christmas vacation.

i started noticing after returning home and back to work that i was extremely constipated and bloated. i went in for an appointment because nothing i was doing was helping me and she asked me if i was pregnant.

i said no that i was expecting my period soon. she wrote a prescription and away i went. around this time the office i was working with closed down, i lost my job as a manager and was forced to move. i still had a job and a place to stay for free for a month provided by my company but i was not happy at my job anymore and my partner i were already struggling living pay cheque to pay cheque; even though we made 18 an hour it was hard enough for us to get by. after the move i got concerned because my period never came and it always did like clock work. i told my partner i just needed to be sure and went to the women’s clinic for a test. it came back positive, i was 5 weeks pregnant. i didn’t believe it and was in total shock. i told my sister right away and told her that i had to wait to two weeks before i could get an abortion which made me angry, because it turn out i could have got it at 6 weeks. i told my partner and it was hard for him. he struggled with all the feelings i was struggling with. we weren’t ready financially in any capacity, we wanted to have kids one day but not now, our living situation was in a chaotic state, we had known each other for a year but had only been together for 8 months, we wanted to travel and go to school and build a life that didn’t revolve around uncertainty about being secure.

being the person i am i researched fetal development and began to beat myself up for what i was about to do. i am pro-choice but when it happened to me i really began to struggle with my situation. i went through all the motions like most women do. i felt terrible that i was ending a potential life, i felt irresponsible that we had not been careful, i felt angry that i couldn’t stop doing research and beating myself up thinking i was such a horrible person, i felt saddened that i couldn’t support a child because of the way my life was going. in a moment of intense emotion and thought i told my sister about the emotional and philosophical battle. and she tore me apart for having these feelings. even though i still knew i was getting an abortion she thought i was going against it. she said terrible things to me; she saw me as an idiot, that i of all people should know better, she wouldn’t be there for me and didn’t support me having a “burden”. i felt betrayed by her and i lost trust in her that day. my sister had an abortion around my age. for her it was easier then it was for me. i will never know if it was tough love that she was giving me or getting mad that she couldn’t go through with her own pregnancy because of her history with drug and alcohol abuse and destructive relationships because those we’re not elements in my life. i couldn’t understand why she was so pro-abortion and nothing else. it could be jealousy or it could be making sure that i really was making the best choice for me. either way i learned i wont be going to her for things like this ever again and she never apologized, but i forgive her.

i went to a counselor and began to process my situation. she was so kind and asked me so many questions and i really felt like for once someone was just letting me come to grips with my situation and reminded me that i was not alone and that women have been making these decisions since before the word abortion was even a thing. she informed me that i was too far along to get a medical abortion and that i would have to get surgical abortion which i didn’t want but the previous clinic had made the mistake of making me wait longer then i wanted to. i booked the appointment.

i continued to have intense emotions because some days i felt unsure and some days very sure. i would cry, i would hold my belly. even though i knew i was getting an abortion it was not an easy choice emotionally for me, and for some women it is. and i hated that i couldn’t be like them. until i realized that i was just me and it was my situation and there is no right or wrong way to deal. i researched abortion and development so intensely so i was educated on either choice i was going to make. and i made the right one for me. i go in in two days to have an abortion, i do not know what i will feel like afterwords but i am expecting a full spectrum of emotions and i know i have the support to help me. i am using this experience as a wake up call to lead my life the way i want to and when i am ready and able i will be mother one day. and there is nothing wrong with that.