i was 40 years old. i had already grieved 4 miscarriages. i suffered years of pelvic pain and depression afterward.

i thought i’d put the question of parenting behind me when i discovered that i was pregnant again, but this time without a supportive relationship.

i wavered between excitement and dread. i couldn’t bear wondering if this life, too, would simply cease to thrive. i sat death watch for several weeks, expecting to start bleeding any day. i decided the kindest, gentlest thing for my body would be to terminate. it was a difficult choice, and not without physical and emotional pain.