i have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for five years. i am very blessed to have such a wonderful partner; he’s sweet, he moved out of state with me for work, he supports (most things) i do and he loves me. for these reasons, i know one day, i want to have a baby with him.

it was november 8th when i found out i was pregnant. i had been taking pregnancy tests all week because i knew and was waiting for the confirming test. i had gotten off birth control after 7 years because i was simply sick of taking it. we had been careful, using condoms and the pull out and also tracking my cycles. after about 7 months of being birth control free, i got back on as a cheap way to control my skin until i got health insurance. i hated it, though, and could tell the difference in my moods and physical feeling so it wasn’t long before i kicked it again, despite my skin.

i woke my boyfriend up, crying. of course i wanted a baby with him. however, i finally got a full time job a month prior and didn’t even have insurance yet. it simply was not the time for me to have a baby. i went to planned parenthood where it was confirmed and my options were presented to me, but i already knew an abortion was the right decision.
it was heart breaking, being with my partner for five years, just getting on our feet after college and not being ready to have a baby yet. i would lay in bed, holding my stomach because i felt so sad that i had what i would eventually want, but couldn’t keep it due to timing. it’s an insult to even suggest that this is a choice women make without thinking about it because my heart wrenched every minute of my pregnancy.

i had a month to think about it – as my health insurance did not begin until december 1. my procedure was scheduled for december 5 and my feelings were very roller coaster-like. i was six weeks at termination, but already had very intense morning sickness and physical symptoms of pregnancy, which were not welcome and hard to hide. most days i cried, especially the days i felt pregnant. the days i had no pregnancy symptoms were days i tried to ignore reality as much as possible. i felt so desperate, i even googled “ways to induce a miscarriage” and went to target to load up on supplements to do this. i changed my mind after finding some rationale and left with a bag of crackers and extra large maxi pads to prepare for my abortion.

december 5th i walked into planned parenthood and nearly had a melt down at the check-in counter. i was so relieved and thankful for the nurses i hadn’t even met yet, who would change my situation for me and pass no judgments. i cried throughout most of my visit, not out of regret, but out of pure relief. i’ll never forget it; i was laying on the bed and about five nurses were surrounding me. one was holding my hand and using her tissue to wipe my tears. it was about three minutes and the doctor said, “okay, your abortion is done now.” i cried even harder because i was so thankful for her. i cried because i was grateful it was over.

it’s been 9 days since my abortion and my life is getting back to normal. i feel sadness, sadness because i was in this situation to begin with, but also because it wasn’t a choice i ever wanted to make. i kept my ultrasounds because i wanted god and my baby to know that he/she mattered. this wasn’t a choice i made carelessly. i have a wonderful partner, a good job, a good salary, stable housing, etc. it just was not the time for us. the only thing i think about every day since my abortion is how thankful i am for the nurses who were there for me, wiping my tears and hugging me after i made the choice i did. i hope they know how much they are needed and appreciated.

i stumbled across this website and it was like an answer to my prayers. throughout my pregnancy, i felt sadness because i could not publicly talk about being pregnant because i wasn’t keeping my pregnancy. i hope one day that will change and no matter the outcome, women can talk about their experiences.