in 2012, i was 18 years old, a freshman at the university of san francisco. on november 07, 2012 i found out that i was pregnant by my high school boyfriend of 2 years. as i stood there in walgreens bathroom staring down at the pregnancy test, i couldn’t register what i was looking at.

i remember driving back to campus, having to stop at lucky’s to buy two more tests. my boyfriend just sat there in silence, i could feel his rage inside of me. i took one more test that night before i took a shower and that positive sign still came up. i remember going to bed and holding my stomach so tight. i was so confused. i loved what was growing inside of me but at the same time, i didn’t know how i would take care of this human being. my boyfriend, of course, wanted me to have an abortion and i struggled with the concept for weeks. i was filled with hurt and anger that he couldn’t step up and be a man when the time came. i decided that i would do it by myself. when the time came, as i sat across from my mom and grandma, i couldn’t find my voice. all i could think about is the loan she had taken out for me to be at usf. the party she threw for my graduation because i was the first to go to college. how could i break her heart? how was i going to finish school and provide comfortably for my baby? how could i raise my baby with two families like i was raised? i wanted so much better for it, so i decided to send it with god. on november 29, 2012, i made the hardest decision ive ever made in my life. i still have flashbacks and i still cry myself to sleep sometimes. two years later, i’m still in school, three classes away from the nursing program. i know i had that abortion for a reason, to better my life so i could one day have a family and provide for it on my own. i still struggle with the thought of what i did, but i know at the end of the day, it will allow me to be where i am suppose to. i dream of the day i get to look down and see a plus sign on that white stick, i just know i’ll be prepared when it does.