i fell pregnant (intentionally) and suffered a traumatic and complicated miscarriage, bleeding for weeks on end before i collapsed and hemorrhaged heavily. i thought i was dying, it was the scariest thing i’d ever experienced.

i already loved the baby and had been preparing for it so i was devastated.

against all advice i fell pregnant again – and this time my partner decided he didn’t want a baby. he freaked out so much he told me he’d actually leave me, if i had it. i had a long history of major depression anyway, and was now anemic and weak because of the miscarriage.

after speaking to my doctor they recommended i terminate the pregnancy for the sake of my own health – both physical and mental.

it was early on so it was basically forcing a second miscarriage, just a few months after the first. i had to travel as there wasn’t a provider in my town, and the pill kicked in too soon so i collapsed on the train. again, i felt like i was dying – and a part of me really wished that i would die as i lay there in tears on the floor of the carriage. no one even stopped to help me, people stepped over me as they hurried about their busy lives.

i dragged myself home and shut myself in my room. when i finally miscarried i sat and apologized to it… tried to explain that it wasn’t that i didn’t want it, but that there was no way i could have given it the life it deserved right now.

i can’t tell most people. people don’t care about you, they don’t care about your life, they don’t care about your story. all they care about is controlling you, controlling your choices, berating you for the choices you make. calling you a murderer, when all you were ever trying to do was survive.