i recall feeling sick for weeks. being pregnant was the last thought on my mind. i bought four pregnancy test, after the third test came back positive i believed it. i’ve been a type one diabetic for 16 years and knew the slew of medicine i took daily would have an impact on what was growing inside me. so the possibility of my husband and i having an unplanned pregnancy would be questionable at best.

some heavy bleeding made us take a trip to the emergency room. after waiting for hours the doctor came in to tell us that the results came back negative. he ordered a sonogram to confirm the results. as i laid on the table making idle chit chat with the nurse i knew something was not right by her sudden silence. i looked over and saw the image of the fetus on the screen. the doctor came in to the room to confirm fetal demise at 12 weeks. as horrible as it may sound when the doctor left my room, i looked at my husband and smiled. i felt relief!

i spent the next 13 days dealing with my health insurance company and the family planning facility. i thought getting an abortion would be a quick process. it was the longest 13 days of my life especially knowing that what i had in me had been dead for who knows for how long. i felt depressed and disgusted with myself like i was rotting from the inside out.

the whole time i kept thinking about people in similar situations that didn’t have the support i had. i had my awesome husband of 11 years with me every step of the way. i had just started a new jobs 2 weeks before my er visit and they too were understanding on the time i needed.

the second time i had to visit the clinic for the procedure we came across one person at the front of the building advocating various options for my baby. she handed me a pamphlet, i graciously accepted. when she started her speech i stopped her and said to her my baby is already dead. the look on her face made us smile. i wasn’t doing it for a shock factor but i wasn’t going to let a stranger that has no merit in my life make me feel guilty for walking in that building.

after the weeks of waiting in limbo the procedure was finally over. it was a decision partial decided for me but it didn’t make it any easier. i had the mirena iud inserted and now my husband is doing his part and getting his vasectomy. children are not in our plans at least biological children and not anytime soon! this december will be one year since the abortion.