i had my first abortion when i was 19, in a good relationship with someone i loved. the condom broke, and i knew as soon as i saw the positive pregnancy test (that i took in a public bathroom at the mall because i didn’t want anyone to know) that i would not carry to term.

i knew i wasn’t ready, and i was starting to know that my relationship wasn’t going to last forever. i booked the appointment at the hospital and went in and when it was over, the only thing i felt was relief. relief that my life had been saved. relief that this one little accident of birth control wouldn’t take control of my life forever more. i never told my boyfriend, though i think he suspected. we broke up several months later. i only ever felt anger because i felt that i couldn’t tell anyone because of the stigma of being a “baby killer”. over the years, i told a few friends, but only if i felt i could give them some meaningful insight into their own situations.

when i was 33, in a stable common-law relationship, i again had a failure of birth control. this time was different. i knew my partner’s stance (he did not want children), and i knew that i didn’t want children. i took the weekend to think really hard about it, figuring that at this stage, if i’m going to change my mind about having children, this might be the best time. i might never have another safe opportunity for pregnancy. after a weekend of review, i knew that “might not get another chance” simply wasn’t enough reason for me to bring a person into the world, not when i had just quit my job, especially since my response to the pregnancy test showing positive was to break into hysterical tears. the thought of buying a car seat and a stroller and diapers filled me with nothing but despair. i made an appointment, and i’ve never looked back. i have no regret. it’s not something i talk about; i’m not proud of it, but i’m not ashamed. it’s simply a thing that happened, a choice that i made to continue my life as i want it to be. i love my life as it is, and i don’t regret a single thing.