when i was 18, i was a freshman in college. i had been dating someone casually for over a year, who, was not interested in an exclusive, committed relationship with me. he used marijuana and lsd regularly, and was not especially motivated to pursue his future. he was enjoying life.

i was someone who grew up with a single mom who was very dependent on me. she had a lifelong mental illness, and while she was a good provider most of the time, our life was extremely unstable with her losing jobs, us having to move and her facing long-term mental health hospitalizations. she did her very best, which, was a lot more than many many people, never-the-less, i felt responsible for her well-being while attempting to start my own life. i could barely support myself, let alone, my mother. a baby was not something i was ready to bring in to this environment.

i considered adoption, but somehow, the idea of my child, who i considered a part of myself, that i felt very much responsible for, walking around without my direct involvement, was not something i could handle. i thought of that as the worst case scenario. i would not subject a child to the vagarities of the foster-system, nor would i have been able to control whether the adoptive parents would be loving and nurturing.

i wished everyday for a miscarriage. the minute i was eligible for a d&c, i took it. he accompanied me to my gynecologist’s office. i felt badly for him because his family was very catholic, and i know that he probably felt what we were doing–ending the pregnancy–was wrong. he did not say he wanted to keep the baby.

i never regretted my decision. i did not feel it was morally wrong. i felt like it was the responsible thing to do, to only bring a child into this world if i could care for it properly. now that i know of the emotional 世界杯赛程2022赛程表中国 faced by many adoptees, and i am a grown up and i see what happens in orphanages, foster-care and the levels of child-abuse that are rampant at every economic strata, i feel even stronger that i made the absolute best decision—for everyone.