i had just mustered up the strength to leave a really bad relationship via restraining order and found out i was pregnant. i had been with my ex for six years, but it wasn’t until after we got married that he became verbally and physically abusive. i hid my struggles from everyone i knew and managed to work multiple jobs and take classes for a master’s degree, but inside i was a mess.

during that period of time, i wanted to die. i never attempted suicide, but i was extremely depressed and the last thing i felt i could handle was the responsibility of a baby. i felt both an awe and a connection with the child growing inside of me and a certainty that i would never be able to leave a very unhealthy situation (and protect my child) if my ex was the father of the baby.

i had an abortion and have traveled the world, become more independent, and fulfilled so many of my dreams since. i have not once regretted my choice and have always known that it was the right decision for me. i have actually often felt glad that i didn’t have to bring a child into this world under such precarious conditions. i do hope to have children eventually, but i am so grateful that i don’t have them now.

i just also want to note that i am a christian, and my decision was made through talking to god. while many religious structures told me what i was doing was wrong, i felt clearance from god and have never felt the wrath of god against me. actually, my experience and my decision forced me to rely more greatly on god. i think this is so important because people are so often told what god thinks and wants by others, but really only you can know what god wants for your life by talking to him.