it was the towards the end of 11th grade, i was with my boyfriend for not even a month, and i got the crazy idea that i wanted to become pregnant by my boyfriend. so i lied to him, i told him that we were pregnant, which we weren’t. he believed me, and we started to have sex because he thought that we were pregnant and couldn’t get pregnant again. my plan had worked. a month or so goes by and i realized that i didn’t want to be pregnant. i didn’t want to ruin my life or his life. i realized that what i did was wrong. so, i thought that i could just say we lost the baby and end of story. wrong!

my period didn’t come at all. i waited for a week to pass, and one morning before i left for school i took a pregnancy test. i was pregnant. i was in shock, i was scared and yet, i was sorta happy. i went to walgreen’s to pick up prenatal vitamins and went to school that day acting like nothing. i came home that night crying. now that i was pregnant, i didn’t know what to do. i didn’t want to abort it because i didn’t think abortion was for me. i am very pro choice and for whatever the women wants to do with her body. but this was my body i was talking about, i didn’t want an abortion. well, a few more weeks pass and my boyfriend is supportive as ever. he liked to touch my belly where the baby would be, he would kiss it, and i would get butterflies in my tummy. we decided to not tell our parents because i had

a banquet in may that i really wanted to go to and i was afraid that both our parents wouldn’t let us go, so we didn’t say anything to anyone. we kept it to ourselves. in june, just a few days before school let out, on the same night we decided that we would tell our parents. my mom wasn’t too happy but she said she would be supportive of helping me raise the baby. my boyfriend’s parents on the otherhand well…his mother was “abort! abort!

abort!” and his father was “son, you’re going to be supportive no matter what she chooses.” and he was. all the while, every time we would hang out he would make comments about aborting and i would just shrug it off. one day, i had to tell him to stop it because it was making me feel uncomfortable. i told him he needed to stop because i would get an abortion just to make him shut up (and i hate myself for that). well he let it die down for a few days and then started it up again. i dismissed it.

this child really made me sick. i had the worst morning sickness ever. it lasted all day! the only time i ever felt relief was when i was with my boyfriend. it was weird. that was the only time i wasn’t sick. i was in and out of the emergency room because i couldn’t stop throwing up, i had to be hospitalized for my 18th birthday, due to severe dehydration, it was so bad that my body was using the lack of fat i had to keep itself nourished. which is bad for baby. i was in the hospital for a total of 4 days. my boyfriend was there every step of the way. he went to all my doctor’s appointments. everything. we even got to see the sonogram. at my first prenatal doctor’s appointment, my boyfriend finally put all the pieces together, he realized that we weren’t as far along as we should have been. he realized that he had been tricked into getting pregnant. we talked for hours upon hours every night about all of our options. i told him before that i wouldn’t have an abortion. then one night, i called him up telling him i wanted to have an abortion. i told him my reasons, and they were that we weren’t ready for a baby, we didn’t want the baby to live a life of hardships and what not, we wanted better for our baby. i knew what i had done and terminating the pregnancy, in my mind could fix what i had caused. there were also some very selfish reasons too, i had a trip coming up in march 2012 that i was looking forward to and knew that i couldn’t go if i had a baby. my boyfriend also thought about it too and agreed that it was for the best, he in this whole situation was looking out for his child and wanted what was best for it. he told his parents about it and they were supportive of our choice. they said it was our child and we knew what was best. i didn’t tell my family at all because i knew they would be totally against it. and they wouldn’t let me

go through with it. so, 10 days after my birthday, we went to the clinic, and aborted it. i remember that day so clearly. it was july 23, 2011 at 10:30 am when we sent our baby to heaven. we were 15 weeks pregnant. that was hard because i knew the development of our child, i knew every detail and on that day, i remember rushing though the paperwork not reading anything because i knew at any moment i would have changed my mind. my boyfriend and his father were the ones that took me to go get it done, they also paid for it. the hardest part of it all, was wanting that baby and knowing i couldn’t have it. because in the 15 weeks of carrying it, i fell in love. i got to experience it moving, just three days before we would abort it. my boyfriend also got to feel it move and kick. i felt it was alive. and part of me feels gulity for it. my boyfriend was very supportive through it all. he stayed up late talking to me when my mom wouldn’t. he let me vent everything i had to say. i cried countless times on the phone with him as he also cried on the phone with me too. he also wanted the baby and knew that he couldn’t keep it either. it was by far the hardest decision we ever had to make. five months post the abortion, he broke up with me. he couldn’t deal with the betrayal and dishonesty from me. i was heart broken. i miss my
baby. it was god awful. we learned that it was a boy, and we named him samuel nicholas. my heart hurts. we lost a son. i lost the one thing good in my life. my son and boyfriend.

do i regret it? no. do i love my son? yes