i found out when i was 21… i had stopped taking birth control because for so many days in a row i would forget to take my pill and didn’t bother starting taking it again. i was busy with working, starting school soon and stressed about a lot of things. for two months i couldn’t believe that the reason i wasn’t getting my period was because i was pregnant. i didn’t want to believe it or listen to my body. i kept telling myself ‘no way this can’t be me, it can’t be happening to me’.

i finally brought up the courage to take a home pregnancy test and of course it came out positive. when i saw it i had no clue what i was feeling. my feelings were completely mixed. i felt like it was a joke for a second, i felt happy thinking wow, i’m pregnant… i’ve always wanted a child, someone to take care of and i also thought oh my gosh this can’t be… the look on my boyfriends face was like he saw a ghost. he told me he was 100% not ready to be a dad. that he couldn’t do it. i had no clue myself what to do… i still put it off for a while and didn’t want to believe. my boyfriend would get so frustrated with me and mad at me because it was so hard for me to ever talk about it, because i had no clue what to do or what to tell him what i wanted to do. all i did was cry… i got to the point where i couldn’t stop peeing, i constantly felt weak and sick. my boyfriend and i finally ended up going to a clinic because i wanted a doctors opinion and i was so stubborn in believing i was truly pregnant. it got worse from there when the doctor treated me like i was a complete idiot and was nothing but rude. the only good thing he did for me was setting up an ultrasound appointment and to get a pee test done. he then basically shooed me out the door and said ‘here’s a number for a counselor’. i went and got my ultrasound test done and the lady doing it knew i was upset. i said i didn’t want to look or know anything, i asked to have my boyfriend there with me for comfort and she said no. when i walked out i started crying hysterically. my boyfriend had asked me if i looked or if i actually was pregnant which upset me more… he just did not understand. the last thing i would want to see is my child, inside me, on a screen. i went for my pee test next and then went home. we talked more about it and he kept telling me he couldn’t do it, we don’t have the money for it, i was still in school and living in a school residence on top of that. he said he would have to leave and go into the army or something for support as the job he had wouldn’t be enough. he also told me that he wouldn’t want to take care of step children, kids having different parents etc. he made his points and i agreed with them as they were completely true. i made an appointment with the clinic and talked about my options still. abortion, keep the baby, or adoption. i finally put my foot down and decided with getting an abortion. i even told myself there was no way i could be going to school and pregnant, i could not afford a child working a minimum wage job, i was still so young, i felt that i was not mentally stable enough and still am not, i won’t be able to spend any money in traveling plans i’ve always had etc. with all these factors i realized… my child will not be able to have a good life as i want it to… i can’t do this. i called around for some clinics that the counselor gave me and made an appointment. i called my boyfriend, crying of course and told him i made it and that i would like him to go with me. i got the courage to finally call my parents and tell them what was going on and how my boyfriend and i were dealing with it. i would not have been able to live everyday without telling them. they comforted me, told me it was okay and they thought it was the right thing to do. the day of the abortion came. i went through a counseling portion before it to make my final decision, this time with my boyfriend there with me. the counselor told me to write down where i would be 5 years from now with and without a baby. it was one of the hardest decisions in my life but i knew what i had to do. the next thing i knew i was on the bed and it was soon over. i felt okay after but it hadn’t really hit me yet. went for one more counseling appointment and told myself i’m okay for the most part… but i do have some down days. it is now 6 months after the abortion and i am still having those down days every now and then especially with the thought that next month (july 2014) my baby would have been born. sometimes i fear that that was the only chance i will ever be able to have a child. sometimes i wonder what it would have looked like, it’s hair, eyes, etc. if it would have been a boy, girl, or twins. i will never know. it was like something you’ve always wanted so bad but couldn’t have. at the same time i tell myself… i made the right choice because i am still not done school, and i still do not know what i want to do with the rest of my life. having the child, the rest of my life would be taking care of it. i also try to tell myself that everything happens for a reason.