i was 20 and part of a fundamentalist christian group that worked with underprivileged children in new york city. if i had told any of the leaders, i would have been sent back to my church and family in shame. that had happened to another young woman i knew – she was thrown out of the program, and sent back home – while the young man got a stern lecture but no consequences.

so i told no-one except my boyfriend and two friends i trusted. this was 1970. before roe vs wade changed the law in the us. but abortion had just become legal in new york. i don’t know what i would have done if i had to look for a back-alley doctor. (and i hope no woman in the future has to face that either.)

i knew i wanted children, but also knew i wasn’t ready. my boyfriend and i had been using condoms and contraceptive foam, but i got pregnant anyway. i scheduled my abortion for a week or so later.

and while waiting, i started talking to this child’s spirit. i told this spirit that i wasn’t ready… that if it wanted me as its parent, it needed to wait a few years. but if it needed to be born soon, it would be best to find another family. i knew with certainty that i could decide not to bear this child, that it was my right and my responsibility to decide if i could do it well or whether it would be best to say no. but no matter what i or anyone else does, that does not kill the child’s spirit. the child’s spirit will find a way to come into this world, even if it is not to me.

the night before the abortion, i began to bleed and went to the hospital. the doctor told me that i had started miscarrying and that it would be best to do the abortion procedure in the morning. which is what i did. i’ve never regretted my decision. i know it was best for me and my future children. and i firmly believe that my communication with this spirit was an important part of this process. i am very thankful for all the loving support and understanding from my boyfriend at the time, from my 2 friends, and from the wonderful nurses and doctors who supported me in my decision.