a little backstory first.
since the time that i became sexually active (14 1/2) my mother was very quick to take me to planned parenthood and get me on birth control. unfortunately i had started smoking before that age as well. my father has a condition known as deep vein thrombosis, which makes him extremely prone to blood clotting. not knowing or being able to afford hereditary conditions, the doctors and my mother decided to keep me off of traditional hormone combination birth control (i.e. the pill). as many know this drastically decreases your options of safe birth control.

we tried the depo provera shot and pill form, though something about it made me mental and i refused to continue with that route for much longer. this is when my mother and i decided to try out an iud, the ten year version which does not include hormones. this was placed shortly after i turned 18 and worked very well until shorty after my 22nd birthday.

that july i had just started dating someone new, and someone i would like a long relationship with. he, having come from a severely destructive and volatile relationship was very persistent to take things slow and i agreed whole heartedly (having come from a significant breakup with a live-in boyfriend, i needed this as well).

iud still in place and functioning properly, i became pregnant in early september. part of the .01% of failures with the iud. this came as a shock to me no doubt, though my mother was a little less surprised. being 6yrs younger than my youngest brother, i was a whoopsie. i always thought that my mother had forgotten a day of the pill. she informed me that no, she hadn’t forgotten a day of the pill, only that she and most women on that side of the family are extremely fertile.

i always felt that i couldn’t make the extremely difficult decision to abort due to my own irresponsibility. when i became pregnant i felt robbed or something. my mother and i had spent so much time finding out the best contraceptive for me and proceeded to acquire it, and yet the last thing i wanted to happen did. this is the only reason that i forgive myself for the abortion.

we again went to planned parenthood to confirm the pregnancy and schedule appointments. on the day of i was taken to a separate location of theirs, though was surprised and very much so relieved when i had the same ultrasound technician, and then the assisting nurse was actually the first nurse i ever saw at planned parenthood. i was terrified and guilt ridden but i knew i couldn’t have the child. the women of that clinic were so calming, non-judgmental, and reassuring.

luckily my man was a man and treated me properly. he wasn’t ready to have a child, but he wasn’t going to pressure me to make any decisions either. this was definitely the most stressful thing that can happen in the beginning of a relationship. we literally had only been seeing each other a month and a half. being with him does make me want to have an awesome child and be great parents, because we definitely would be. unfortunately this child would have destroyed any future i would have had for myself, and almost certainly would have ended our relationship, having just started to get to know each other. when i think about our future together (hopefully a long one), and the potential for children i always wonder what would be and who that child would be and i feel sad.

with all things considered, including the potential new life, i made the best decision for all of our well-being.