on new year’s eve 2013 i found out i was pregnant. i knew i needed an abortion. the next day i was hit with all the emotions. i pictured what my life could be if i had this child. for a month, i went back and forth not knowing what to do. i was a mess. i read pregnancy books, i googled pictures of what the fetus looked like each week. i scheduled and missed two appointments with abortion clinics. i desperately wanted the pregnancy to make sense, but it didn’t.

by february, i knew it was time. i was 10 weeks along when i sat on that table. the nurses put warm blankets over me, gave me the laughing gas, put on the soothing music. during the last minute of the procedure i started crying so hard the nurses had to calm me down. one of them held my hand through it all. i will always be grateful to that woman. afterwards i wasn’t in any physical pain, just emotional. i drove myself home 30 minutes later.

no one knows about my abortion. the guy was awful to me, we no longer speak. i didn’t want my family to worry about me, and i don’t have friends. i’m 24, unemployed, still live with my dad. i have struggled with depression, adhd, and borderline personality disorder my entire life. i can’t bring an innocent child into my difficult world.

it’s been a couple months and i don’t think about it as much as i did. going to the doctor is still hard. i see the exam table and i tear up. i know i made the best possible decision. an impossible decision. i have no guilt, shame, anger. i have empathy for everyone who makes this choice.