in the early months of my twenty-first year, i wanted to end things with my boyfriend. he had disrespected my sexual boundaries, and i have no tolerance for that. i finally told him after he returned home from work one day that it was over, and he didn’t accept it. we fought, him insisting we “fuck and make up.” i told him i wouldn’t, to go to bed, we’d discuss this further in the morning, and i turned over and fell asleep. i woke up to him inside me. i was terrified, completely frozen. i deteriorated into sobs as he finished, and once composed i told him to never contact me again, and i filled my car and moved back in with my mother.

i didn’t feel like i could report him to police. i didn’t think the court would believe me as i didn’t have physical bruising. i had been raped before, and i couldn’t go through reporting again after the way i’d been left slut-shamed and victim-blamed with no justice.

i soon became incredibly ill. i could hardly move without everything hurting and the overwhelming need to vomit. i had fevers, aches, and was unable to smell food without running to the toilet to empty contents that didn’t exist. i couldn’t stand for more than a few minutes, dropped weight quickly, and consequently missed a week of work and university.

i stared down at the test with two blue lines. this isn’t how i wanted my baby to be conceived. i didn’t want to look at a manifestation of a rapist every time i glanced at my child’s face, and be somehow forced to love it. i knew im世界杯2022亚洲预选赛b组 tely i needed an abortion, and if i had been forced to carry to term, i surely would have died. mentally, i couldn’t handle rape and his baby.

i had the initial meeting and ultrasound, and discovered i was about seven weeks along. i made the appointment for a week later.

my mother took me to the clinic, and i was met with anti-abortion activists. i was screamed at as i walked inside, taunted with signs plastered with fabricated representations of a foetus, and their words completely cut into me. if they had any idea what i was already going through…

i insisted on not being helped up the steps to the doors.

i selected the medical abortion, as it was described as being very similar to a miscarriage. for safety, i couldn’t have my mother back with me, and they checked to make sure i took the first dose. i was instructed to take the second dose within 48 hours, and was prescribed painkillers and told to take the day off. i hadn’t expected it to cramp so badly. a few hours later, the pain subsided to a dull ache. i fell asleep, and was finally able to eat later that evening.

i was able to return to school the next day.

it was the right decision for me, and while i catch myself sometimes reminiscing upon a life that could have been, i know i wouldn’t have survived to see it.

i’ll have my baby in the right time, with the right man, conceived with my permission.